Monday, November 30, 2009


Ugh. I am so sick of being so fat!! I finally started going through my winter clothes today and almost all of them are too small! Not that they fit me last winter either, but I was pregnant then,so I had a good excuse. I guess I still have a pretty good excuse, but so often I really feel like it really is just an excuse. If I really wanted to I could be losing weight by exercising and eating healthy. Instead I eat mostly junk, hardly any veggies, and I get almost zero exercise. And it makes me feel awful! So, why do I do it? Laziness, I guess. I'd rather sit on my butt and do nothing than exercise.

It started when I was a child really. I had fish sticks and french fries for lunch everyday. Everyday! So, I've been overweight ever since I can remember. It's not my parents fault, it's mine. Okay, it was my parents' fault when I was ten, but I'm 26 now, so it's my fault. I should have done something about it ages ago. Oh, don't think I didn't try. I tried just about everything. The cabbage soup (yuck!) diet didn't last too long because I hated the soup. I lost about 60 pounds on the Adkin's Diet, but it came right back after I started eating carbs again. I lost a lot of weight walking, and felt great for awhile, but then it got too cold to walk, and I met J, got married, moved to WI, and didn't walk again for a long time, so slowly the weight crept back. By my wedding I had gained about 15 lbs. back, by the time I got pregnant, I had gained about 20 lbs. back, and then pregnancy.

I was so stupid about food when I was pregnant. I just started eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted in whatever quantities I wanted. I guess I figured I was going to get fat anyway, I might as well enjoy it. I thought that because I was going to breastfeed my baby the extra pounds would just melt away. Oh, how wrong I was! By the time I went into labor I had gained almost 80 lbs. from my lowest adult weight that I was at when I was doing all that walking. I did lose some of it after Sam was born,of course. I lost about 35 lbs., but that is not nearly enough.

So, when Sam was about five months old I decided it was time for a diet. I was finally feeling like myself again, and I was sick of none of my clothes fitting me. I had to force myself to put my maternity clothes away, so that i would have to face how fat I was. So, I bought a bunch of really expensive vitamins, etc... and a diet book, and lots of expensive food, and started the diet. I did lose about 5 lbs, but I guess my eating habits changed so dramatically or something that for some reason my milk almost totally dried up. It was so stinking miserable because Sam was so hungry he was crying all the time. So, I had to take a prescription pill to get my milk back up fast. This pill makes me depressed and tired, so I was miserable also. It was a bad experience! Hence, I have not dieted since.

I keep telling myself that as soon as Sam turns one and I stop breastfeeding I'm going to lose all this extra weight, but I really want to start losing it now. I'm so sick of being so fat!! I want my old clothes to fit me. I want to look as good as I do in my engagement pictures, and even better really. And, most of all, I need to be thin and healthy before I get pregnant again because I was so huge with Sam that I was absolutely miserable for the last 3 months. And I really want to get pregnant again soon because I want Sam to have a sibling, hopefully a brother close to his age.

So, here's my plan: I'm going to start trying to eat more healthy. I'm going to try to eat at least 5 fruits and veggies each day. Also, I want to start exercising at least 4 or 5 days a week. It's too cold to walk outside anymore, so I'm going to start doing workouts on the Wii. I'll give an update each post. Wish me luck!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009


Samuel has been experiencing so many things for the first time this week! Of course it was his first Thanksgiving on Thursday, and he also took his first steps that night. Friday was his first Black Friday (which is a holiday in my book) experience. J, Sam and I headed up to Fairview, the nearest good shopping, which is over an hour away, at about 3:30 a.m. Friday morning in order to arrive at Babies 'R Us before they opened so we could be sure to get some of their wipes that were on a fabulous sale before they ran out. He was great! He went right back to sleep as soon as we started driving and slept the whole way. He woke up once we got him out of the car to stand in line (it wasn't that cold, and he had on a coat, hat and blanket) and sat in the cart watching the chaos while in the store, then fell back asleep on the way home. Diapers and wipes. That was all we bought. The diapers were only $3 a pack, and the wipes were $5 a box. Those are really great deals, but in retrospect, I think we were pretty crazy to do that. I wanted to stay up there and shop more, but I knew we would just spend a bunch of money we didn't have, and we're trying to get OUT of debt, so we just went home. At home Dad was up, and wanting to go to Wal-Mart to see if they had any good deals. So, I fed Sam, a short intermission, and we were off to Wal-Mart, which is in the next town, about 15 minutes away. Dad got Sam a really nice activity table that he absolutely ADORES!! And it says everything in Spanish and English. Nice. I want him to learn Spanish, but I don't know it, so that might be a small hurdle. Anyway, we finally came back home and I got to sleep at about 9:30 a.m. J never did go to sleep until Friday night. He had a bunch of coffee and junk. He's crazy.

Today, was another first for Sam. It was his first play at a real theatre, my very favorite one: The Fox Theatre in St. Louis, MO. St. Louis is the closest big city, and I love it!! I totally want to live there, but J refuses. It's about an hour and a half from our house. So, today we all went and saw Little House on the Prairie, the musical. It was great!! I loved it! My Mom used to read that whole series out loud to us when I was little, so I'm nostalgic about it. Sam really loved it too, and showed his love in loud screams and babblings. This irritated me immensely, because he wasn't even supposed to be there. I was not irritated at Sam. I was irritated at J, because he was supposed to have watched Sam elsewhere while Mom and I went to the play. About 10 minutes before we left, however, Mom offers to buy his ticket and so he goes, and so does Sam. We had to buy a ticket for Sam ($21) even though he's only 9 months old!! This was also irritating. But I managed to get over it, and enjoy the play. J sort of redeemed himself by going out in intermission to refill the parking meter and by taking Sam out and putting him to sleep (temporarily) when he got loud. At least he wasn't the only baby there. I heard at least two other babies making noise also. I had pumped early this morning and took a bottle to keep him quiet during the performance. Yeah, right. It lasted about 5 minutes, and he had finished it off. So, the best way of keeping him quiet was to breastfeed him. That worked great! So, I had him under my shirt most of the play. So, I'm glad Sam got to see his first play, but next time there will be a baby-sitter that won't back out.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving Day

Today was kind of anti-climatic for me. We had our real Thanksgiving yesterday at my Aunt Alda's house. It was really nice. 3 of my four cousins on that side of the family were there. I hadn't seen any them in over 2 years, so it was great catching up with them! The food was great, and the conversation even better. My oldest cousin, John, his wife, Tammy and their son, Luc, from Texas were there, and their house just burned down a few months ago. Lightning struck it, and now they're fighting with the insurance company over how much this and that is worth. It's horrible! They lost ALL their Christmas decorations, most of their clothes, etc... I truly have so much to be thankful for!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! As I'm writing this blog my son took his first step toward his Daddy!! He's nine months old this week and I'm so happy that he's reaching another milestone!! He's so sweet!! Now I know I'm in for it. Before too long he'll be walking all over and be much harder to keep up with!

The three blessings I'm thankful for today are: 1. Sweet Tea, 2. My wonderful hubby's kisses, 3. long, hot bubble baths!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


My little monkey is nine months old today!! It's so hard to believe that time can move so quickly, but it does. He is doing so much now. He's cutting his first tooth, he's starting to let go of things and stand for a few seconds on his own, he's cruising along all the furniture, and he is crawling so fast!! Just a few weeks ago he was hardly doing any of these things. Well, he was crawling, just not so fast. I guess that's just the way of babies, changing so quickly.

Which brings me to the subject I want to discuss in this post: Sam's first three months (a.k.a. my fourth trimester). Actually, to me it felt like this time lasted more than three months; more like four. I lived ten hours away from any of my family, and although my husband's family lived in the area, they were absolutely zero help. One of his sister's baby-sat Sam for a few hours so J could take me out for my birthday once because we asked her to. That was it. His mother is dead, so she's excused. Anyway, my mom was there for about 2 weeks after he was born, and she was a HUGE help! I don't know how we would have made it without her.

I was determined to breastfeed my baby, but his suck was weak, and my milk had not come in. He had lost too much weight at his 2 day weigh-in, so I had to see a lactation consultant EVERY - OTHER - DAY for about 2-3 weeks!! Add to this that I had ripped during my delivery, so I was in a lot of pain. We had to struggle to wake the baby up every two hours to eat, and it was a struggle. He did not want to wake up! Then, he cried so much when he finally did wake up, it broke my heart. It took him at LEAST 45 minutes to eat each time, and THEN I had to pump afterwards to try to get my milk production up. So, I was getting almost zero sleep. I was not a happy camper. I hadn't even really wanted a baby. I had done it for my husband, because he really wanted one. After an unpleasant pregnancy and childbirth and a horrid first month, I was totally against having any more children. I was certainly not enjoying the one I had. I felt as though I could hardly function. I was enjoying motherhood about 5% of the time.

By month two my body was feeling somewhat better, and my milk production had picked up. I stopped going to see the lactation consultant because I just could not take it anymore. They were mostly nice and helpful, but they and the pediatrician kind of kept me in a panic about the health of my baby, and it seemed to me that he was just fine. His poops and pees were absolutely normal, so I took this as a sign that everything else was going to work itself out just fine, and it did. One thing that totally kept me sane was pumping my b
reast milk, and saving it so that someone else, mainly J, could feed the baby part of the time. Sam loved the bottle and the breast, and he still takes both just fine. By now I was enjoying motherhood more like 20% of the time.

On to month three. The main problem we had with the baby by now was the sleep issue. He wanted to stay awake until after 3 a.m. every night. J had started a new job selling insurance and Sam's sleep habits made things very difficult for us. I had read that you should pick up the baby whenever they cry so that they know their needs are getting met, and they learn to trust you, etc... So, anytime that he would wake up (usually around midnight or 1 a.m.) we would go get him from his crib and he was ready to be up for a few more hours. It was exhausting. Also, he wanted to be held all the time. It seemed like anytime we set him down in his bouncer or bassinet he cried. He was only happy if we were holding him. This was equally exhausting and meant that my dishes only got done once or twice a week and my husband only got microwaved food for dinner. By now, Sam was smiling regularly, and this was very endearing. He also would pooch his bottom lip out when he was getting ready to cry (see pic below) which was the cutest thing I had ever seen. I got some rest on trips we took to my parents, where they would keep Sam in their bedroom each night, so that J and I could sleep. I went back from those few trips we took during those first months feeling so refreshed. Regardless, I was really feeling like life was hard at this point. Still no interest in having any more children. I was enjoying motherhood about 40% of the time now.

By month four J was laid off work, spring had FINALLY come to the frozen land of Wisconsin (it was May), and we started making Samuel "cry it out" at night. Making him cry it out when he would wake up at night was really hard at first. My husband had to turn the monitor off and distract me, and even physically restrain me a few times. My baby crying tore at my heartstrings. But, eventually, it worked. He would hardly cry at all when we would put him in his crib around 11 or midnight, and he would sleep about six hours, wake up for a feeding and sleep for several more hours. I was feeling much more rested. He still cried to be held ALL THE TIME though. We had to bounce his bouncer with our feet to keep him happy in it, and he wouldn't even stay anywhere else unless we were right there with him, entertaining him. But, this was the month I finally started to feel part of the human race again. I was enjoying being a mother about 60% of the time now, and things were going pretty good. I thought other children MIGHT be a possibility far in the future.

So, back to present day. Things took a huge upturn whenever we moved to Illinois with my parents. We get so much more help now from my parents and our church family that I enjoy being a mother about 95% of the time now. Those first four months gave me such an empathy for new mothers. You just never know what someone's going through until you've been there. Next baby, I'll be more prepared, mentally, physically and emotionally.

The three blessings I'm thankful for today are: 1. My shoes and purses. I Love shoes and purses, especially my beautiful Coach purses and shoes I got for my birthday this year from my wonderful parents and hubby; 2. food. I may have a food problem, okay, I definitely have an overeating issue, but I'm so thankful for the wonderful abundance of food that we have in this country. We are a blessed nation, which leads me number...3. The USA. I really love this country. I think it is the best country on earth. We have our problems and are fixing to have more if this administration gets everything done they want to, but every country has it's problems, and I think America is a wonderful place to live!

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Weekend

What an awesome weekend I had last weekend! Honestly nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I just felt so refreshed after it was all over. Saturday I slept in and had a long, hot bubble bath, courtesy of mom and dad. :-) Then, that evening I baked pumpkin pies for the first time ever (yay, me!) for our Thanksgiving dinner at church Sunday, and they turned out terrific. :-) That night Dad took us out for dinner at Pizza Hut. I really do have the best parents ever. I got to spend lots of great quality time with my hubby that evening. ;-) Then, we got to sleep in on Sunday since Sunday school was cancelled due to the dinner at noon. The dinner turned out terrific! All the food was so great!! Scrumptious! A great time of fellowship and fun. I got a nap Sunday afternoon, courtesy of mom and dad. :-) Church Sunday night was great. The preaching was awesome, and after church we played dominoes and the Quelf!! Quelf is my absolute favorite game in the world!! If you haven't heard of it, you should seriously look it up. You have to be willing to do silly stuff, and can't be afraid of looking goofy though. I love it!! So, we had an awesome time ending the weekend with lots of laughs playing Quelf! Then, my hubby and I stayed up until 3 a.m. spending quality time together, even though he had to get up at 6 a.m. for work Monday. I love my husband so much. I got up at 6 a.m. also to make J's breakfast and pack his lunch for work, but I went back to bed, and got up for good at 11:30 a.m. I love my life! So, that's my weekend. I was having such a sublime time that I didn't make time for blogging. Oh well. I missed my 3 things to be thankful for both days, but I'm thankful for everything on the list above, so that makes up for it, right?

My official thankful list of today is: 1. My pastor and church family. They are truly a family and I love them so much. 2. Our two paid off cars. They may be old, but thank God they are running great, and we have no monthly payments. 3. The internet. I have lived without it, and it was not pleasant. How else would I wile away hours of my time so unproductively?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Crying It Out

Sam didn't quite cry for an hour before he fell asleep tonight. Almost, but not quite. It is so, so hard to make him just sit/lay/stand in his crib and cry! I never, ever thought I would have a hard time with it. I have never been really soft-hearted. I've always been more tough love-ish with kids, until I had my own. It's SO different. When he cries, my heart breaks. It's almost 2 a.m. and he just quit crying. He'd been at it since a little before 1 a.m., and this is an early night! Before you begin feeling too sorry for me, don't, because I can usually sleep as late as I want to, since I'm a stay-at-home mom and he is my only child. So, as long as he's sleeping, I can sleep. He goes to bed late, he sleeps late, hence I get to sleep late, which I love. So, what the real issue I'm discussing is that every night he wakes up and cries. Usually he cries 30 min. to an hour. We should have broken him of this long ago you're probably thinking, and the truth is, we did.

See, when he was first born, I was SO tired (bet you're surprised). Sam wanted to stay up every night until at least 3 a.m., and finally J and I had enough, and started putting him in his crib when he was tired, and making him "cry it out". It worked, and soon, he just went to sleep when we put him in his crib without much crying at all! :-) Then, we moved. Not only did we move, upsetting his routine, but we moved in with my parents. This home is a small 3 bedroom double-wide mobile home. My parents both work, and because I was afraid if we just let Sam cry it out it would keep my parents awake, and thus make us living with them a trial, I started putting him to sleep every night. I either rock or breastfeed him until he falls asleep every night. Yes, present tense. This is not actually the problem. Most of the time I enjoy putting my baby to sleep. The problem is that 8 times out of 10 he wakes up when his sweet little angelic face touches the crib sheet, and the crying begins. I used to take him out and rock him to sleep again every time this happened, but I finally had enough. Now, when he wakes up I just go ahead and leave the room. And he cries. Sometimes, he doesn't wake immediately. It'll be 15 minutes later or so, but it happens almost every night.

So, as he cries, I try to ignore it, but I worry. I worry that he feels like his parents don't love him, that we've abandoned him. I'm sure he cannot understand why we don't come to get him like we do when he cries from his crib during the day. I worry that because it's so dark, it scares him, so I leave on a little light. Then when he stops crying I worry that he's pulled the blanket over his head and he's suffocating. So, I go in to check on him, and about half the time that wakes him up again, and the crying commences. Sigh. He won't take a pacifier. He's stopped sucking his thumb. Staying in the room with him only makes it worse. I absolutely cannot take it when I am in the room with him. I have to distract myself with something else. So, that's my experience thus far with crying it out.

The blessings that I'm so thankful for today are: 1. That my husband finally got a job, even though it's temporary, it may turn into permanent, and the pay is better than unemployment! 2. That my husband was unemployed. I know, that sounds strange, but my husband had been unemployed almost since Sam was born, and he was SUCH a help! I do not know how I would have made it without him! Some weeks we didn't know how we were going to make it through, but God always blessed us, we made it, and none of our bills were ever late! 3. That we paid off our 4th credit card today since starting on "The Total Money Makeover" plan by Dave Ramsey. We are determined to turn our finances around and get out of debt and I'm so glad that we're getting it done!


Okay, I'm really tired tonight, so I'm just going to jot down the 3 things I'm thankful for today: 1. That I get to stay home with my baby instead of leaving him everyday for a job; 2. Jesus, for saving my soul; 3. A healthy body. I'm certainly not fit (more on this later), but I also am not sick. I feel fine most days and I have full function of all body parts. Thank God.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


So, this is the beginning. My first real, official blog. I love reading other people's blogs, and have wanted my own for a long time. A few of my friends recently started their own blogs, and I figured if they can do it, I can! So, let me give you a bit about where I'm coming from. If you read the about me section you already know I am 26 years old, have been married for 2.5 years, and have an almost 9 month old little boy.
So, here's what you don't know. My husband was from Wisconsin, and as I was itching to get out of small town Southern Illinois, I moved up there after we married. Well, it was freezing, winter was almost year around, and I had no real family there, so we finally moved back to Illinois in August of this year. And, here's where the gavel drops, we're living with my parents! I know, i know, lame, right? I never, ever thought I would be the type of person who would move in with my parents after I was an adult. But having a baby ten hours away from any helpful family member totally changed my mind. Kudos to all you moms who do it without the help of family, but I can tell you my life is so much more peaceful and enjoyable because I sometimes have a break from my baby. I can appreciate him so much more this way. I always looked down on moms who were always leaving their kids with other people, and I don't do it very often, maybe two or three times a week, but I absolutely understand now. So, there it is, my confession. Actually, my parents love the arrangement, my husband and I love it, and the baby loves it. So, the only thing I don't like about it is that I know other people will think the same way I used to think, and label me "LOSER". Oh well. I stopped living my life according to what other people thought in high school.

So, what else is there to say? I'm a stay-at-home mom, which I love. Another shocker. I never thought I would want to stay at home with my kids all day instead of having a "real" job, but having a baby changed me in so many ways. Nothing against moms who have to work, but if I had to go off and leave my baby at day care most of the day, I would feel so guilty. And I would miss out on so much, and I wouldn't be as close to him, and the list goes on. Of course the extra money sure would be nice, but some sacrifices are well worth it.
I guess I better save the rest of my rambling or I may have nothing to post tomorrow. One last thing I want to do before I close is list 3 things that I am thankful for. I absolutely love the Thanksgiving holiday, and would like to challenge myself and anyone reading this to be more thankful, so I'm going to try to list 3 blessing each day up to Thanksgiving. Today's list: 1. My wonderful husband, J, who is my support and my best friend; 2. My adorable son, Sam; 3. my incredible parents, I could not ask for better ones. They're awesome!